I’m sick of these scrawny, weak, feminine men ruining my masculine porn! James Deen, Danny Mountain, Xander Corvus…I looked away for one minute and all of the sudden male porn stars look like members of Fall Out Boy. We need to take a stand!
AVN Best Male Actor Award Winners – 2014-2017
I know; women really like them. I understand that. Unfortunately, as we all know, WOMEN DON’T WATCH PORN! And if they do, they shouldn’t! Porn is the safe place for men away from what women want! It needs to go back to the old ways when men were masculine, and not “looking-like-Miley-Cyrus-with-Stubble” male models. Porn is for men to only watch alone, or occasionally with other bros for fun. The dudes should be rippling mountains of men with dripping muscles and greasy hair! With massive terrifying cocks! (No homo…to all of that.)
I stopped watching porn for awhile after the fleshlight accident, and I don’t like the changes I’ve seen. You want to see what a male pornstar looks like?! These are the three types allowed.
1. The Ripped Nordic God
A hybrid of pirate, wrestler, and that 90s Hercules show guy.
These specimens of hair metal masculinity look like they belong on the cover of a Meatloaf album with a sword in one hand and a woman on his shoulder. The dude every guy wants to be.
2. Skeevy Dad Guy
Should look as much like a classic rock DJ as possible.
He looks like the guy sold you your first porno tape as a teen…but then asked to watch it with you. Every guy loves seeing a scumbag nailing a porn star!
3. The Badass Biker
A *natural* macho man.
This guy is the epitome of man. Just tough, no bullshit, nothing SOFT on this guy. Old-fashioned, bad-ass awesome porn star, fucking a blonde bimbo leaning against a motorcycle. THESE are the pornstars we need back; REAL MEN!
*Yes, we are well aware that Buck Angel is a trans man. The joke is on an ignorant man’s point of view, and not Buck Angel or the Trans community in anyway.*-Ed
(Editor’s Note: This is purely editorial, and these opinions do not in anyway represent those of TalkToMe.com or any of its subsidiaries. We are giving this young man a place to vent his ignorance in the hopes of tracking where exactly he’s been hiding in the ceiling of our office building.)
